My Heart these days | A personal post from Melissa
Personal blog posts aren’t my strong point, but the last two months have been extraordinarily difficult, and I haven’t been blogging much as a result.
I’ve been listening to “Oceans” by Hillsong United a lot. Lately, I’ve been trying to make sense of my own struggles based on their lyrics. The first stanza talks about how God calls us out of comfort zones sometimes and into a potentially dangerous situation. That situation for me, is going through our second miscarriage, the loss of our 3rd pregnancy (We lost our first pregnancy in May of 2010. Our precious Daughter, Kaylee Grace, was born in June 2011, and our most recent loss in February). Jim and I could have chosen to walk away from God in February, but instead we ran into His arms, full force. He was there waiting for us.
We knew He would protect our hearts and help us heal. We knew His strength was made perfect in weakness. We were so weak, we were (and are) so heartbroken. We don’t at all understand why God called us into this situation, especially for the second time. We don’t know why He holds two of our three babies. But we do know He is faithful, He is sovereign and He is going to make something beautiful out of the ashes of our hearts.
Less than 12 hours after leaving the hospital, (and an almost sleepless night later), we were worshiping Him at Anchor Christian Church in Chili, NY. I claimed the words to, “Never Once,” while sobbing; those lyrics have never meant more than they did that morning. NEVER will I walk alone, we will look back and see all the ways God has helped us through it. We have seen so many specific ways God is helping us now. For example: Through messages on Facebook from friends saying “I don’t know why, but God told me to pray for you a 10am” When at 10am I had been sobbing and crying out to God for the life of my baby. For the prayers a week later while I, unknowingly to them, photographed a friend’s full term son who passed 31 minutes after birth. When the grief has been overwhelming, I’ll get a random text, or a song comes on the radio or pops into my head, reminding me of how great He is.
No matter where God calls you, keep your eyes fixed on Him. God has never felt more tangible to me than He did the days following our loss. With friends praying at random times, with cards, emails, phone calls and texts of prayer. With every breath I took knowing that I am not walking alone through this. Don’t get me wrong, I was and am, completely heartbroken. I would so much rather be almost 20 weeks pregnant than writing this blog post. But I know, no matter where God calls me, if I keep my eyes fixed on His graciousness, I know God will bless my family.